Friday, May 18, 2018

REAL ROMANCE - Part 1


In light of the recently passed Mother’s Day, I figured I’d start with the African woman. I must say I celebrate the knowledge and strength that most of the women in our generation exude. It shows that we have come a very long way from being relegated, subjugated and unheard! Women are powerfully taking strides and a big thanks to the women who paved the way for us! We do not take your sacrifices for granted. It is from this perspective that I humbly write and one day will speak about the importance of paving easier roads for our sons and daughters.

Ever heard the saying that African men are unromantic?

Well, here is my first honest answer. They had/have “unromantic-unaffectionate” mothers!

Show me an affectionate African man and I will point you his mother πŸ˜‰πŸ€·πŸ½‍♀️.
What the men lack, the women continue to crave.


My narrative is from the African cultures perspective. It is a bit personal. Personal in the sense that I watched my Parent’s generation closely (like I was in the know) and then a bit of mine.

Id like to hear your thoughts on this topic please..πŸ€”

I learned over time and I have seen that in Africa, the affection infused into the average male child is provision in terms of money, education, security and power, while the average female-child is forced/taught to serve him and look to him for survival (this is not true in every female’s case…but the majority).

In history, the African woman is nothing short of a goddess in my opinion, full of energy and power. However, circumstances forced her to cope and become tough! Her survival instincts took over her ability to show pure affection. The African woman taught her sons to become kings and from the knowledge passed down from her ancestors she thrived to raise giants! Mostly, the African woman had to strive to please one man in the midst of other women; her co-wives, where envy and jealousy dictated the course of her emotional well-being. She was sometimes battered and neglected, but still drove her sons to be mostly preferred, and often  forgot to teach her sons to CARE for the most delicate part of him - HER, a woman! 


I am also forced to think about the African woman slave in America, who had to endure the hardship of being thought of as a second class human. Her emotions were reduced to anxious survival rather than peaceful affection. Her children didn't have the best of her, but she survived! She did the best she could in the hardest way possible. While, I am not focusing on the skin color today, I am painting a picture of what makes the African woman tough. Why she is often misunderstood. Why she seems so fierce when she doesn't intend to... her affection was forcefully taken over by the need to become an acceptable human in the world of men...

One day, the white-man invented television's romance and I think they messed up what African folks had going for them πŸ˜‚. Do not hate on me for this… I am cracking myself up already.
But for real, if provision and survival were truly enough, why are my African women all over the world struggling and craving to be heard, loved, seen, accepted, touched and romanced?? There is a disconnect. Something has been passed down. If you were given time machine to use, you would marvel at what the women had to endure. It is rich but also broken.. It is the unspoken brokenness that lives in our genes..

As a young girl, I often wondered why my late dad found it difficult to hug us as children many years ago. He loved us and I knew very much that he would give his life for us but he just couldn't bring himself to hold and touch his own wife and children. Some of my friends would attest to this very thing. All that changed when we relocated to America years ago of course and I realized that affection can be taught and also learned..

Many of our mothers remained married but also remained unhappy because of this unspoken problem. They endured marriage but didn't enjoy it. It made it difficult for them to share their happiness because there was none to share. After all, you can't give what you don't have. All they had to share was their pain and endurance in marriage. 

So, ladies are we just gullible and craving for what we see on TV? Is Romantic affection real? Did coming to America change me? Can romance/affection be taught to our sons and daughters? These are some of the questions I have for this first part...

Enjoy!

#RealRomance

Kemi Gwan.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

WHAT YOU CAN'T SEE, YOU CAN'T SOLVE!



Many of us have really good intentions but our delivery is often warped and selfish..
If intentions were enough we wouldn’t need to fix anything.. 🀷🏽‍♀️
You cannot be a problem solver if you are not open to context and perspective. (Talking to myself today, I promise).
Most of the successful people in the world are people who found a way to fix problems. They SAW a problem and then found a way to SOLVE it.

I have a confession πŸ™Š. I am a good talker okay.. I could talk your ear off and convince you to like what I like..
But this is not so good because good listeners SEE better.. I’m not saying all good listeners see better.. but you kinda get my point. Sometimes, you have to slow it way down baby.... slowwww down.. not too slow, you still need some fast and furious moments πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰πŸ˜œ
It takes someone who is willing to listen to another’s perspective to actually SEE where the other person is coming from. I know my hubby will be excited to see this write up because his baby girl just grew up πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚.

For people like me, half the time, all the words seem like a volcanic eruption in my mind and I just feel the need to launch that missile at someone else. Like yea.. you’re gonna hear me and me alone πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚..Talkathon...be mindful!

Ok so moving on..
Question of the day for everyone wanting to be successful; What problems do you see around you that you are inclined to solve?

I know some of us pray to be a blessing but I am beginning to understand that to be a blessing to my generation I’ll need to open up all of me to the many possibilities of other people’s perspective, opinions, ideologies, culture and lifestyles.

My life cannot be the same as yours and if I must be a blessing or a problem solver, I would need to walk in your shoes or allow my eyes be open through grace to serve in that capacity.

I might not like chocolate, but if my entire community loves chocolate and there’s a shortage.. the way to fix that is to figure out how to learn their likes, dislikes, taste buds and so on..,

Our generation is filled with many prospects at solving problems but we need to clear our vision of many things first. We need to learn to see clearly, listen to our world and then we can solve problems. Then our intentions will not be misunderstood because they aren’t enough... it takes wisdom coated vision and resilience to succeed at it!

Kemi Gwan.
♥️

Saturday, May 5, 2018

THE BLAME GAME




I try to look for a lesson in every living thing and the different circumstances around me.

This one might make you laugh today as it is about ants 🐜. Yea ants.. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
These tiny creatures are said to be some of the wisest ones 🀷🏽‍♀️. In some way, I kinda see how now. In the winter they’re nowhere to be found because they had spent all of spring and summer gathering all they need to survive the harsh winter.

Today, I watched as these particular ants had gathered around an onion I had cut in half last night. What I noticed was, one ant actually died. Perhaps too much onion juice killed it. Poor creature. However, I saw few more ants getting juices and bites and marching their way back to their hole or wherever they reside. I marveled that because one laid there dead didn’t stop them from trying, even if it meant their death too.

I know this illustration may be a bit stretched but if you think a little deeply about how relentless they are, you’ll be impressed too. 
If ants understand survival instinct and launch toward what seemed like an obstacle to try again and again, we humans can do better. Oh we’ve got to do better humans! πŸ˜‰πŸ˜œ

I can’t help but think about things I attempted/still attempting, just once and because I met one obstacle, I completely gave up on trying again. Some of us play the blame game and use it as an excuse to not move forward. We blame everyone but ourselves for the reason we can’t take a step further. This happened to me recently.. I almost shortchanged myself because someone else had a problem with my style of doing things. When a new opportunity came up to serve, I was too angry to step up because I was hurt.. well until I got over myself.

You refuse to try an audition because someone didn’t like your voice enough; Big time shortchanging. You don’t think you qualify for that position or promotion, because someone else went to a better school and you think they’re better than you. 🀭.
You blame your parents for not giving you a better life. You blame your spouse as the reason for your anger and bitterness. You blame your friend for not noticing that you need help or for not affirming you enough and the list goes on and on.. 😱

Listen, just because people die in car crashes everyday doesn’t mean we stop driving cars right? When will you have a honest seat down with yourself to change your own situation and not blame others for your failure. You failed once, twice, thrice.. ten times, so what? Try again! Don’t do it for anyone, do it for you!

Thomas Edison the inventor of the light bulb we all now use was asked: How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" Edison replied, "I didn’t fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps."

Today if you are reading this, you are a survivor of some sort! You cannot afford to waste your life on expensive blocks of blaming others for your failures. Chin up! Try again! What doesn’t kill you, makes you strong πŸ’ͺ🏾.. literally in the case of those ants 🐜 
There are many steps to the greatness ahead!

Cheers to the Weekend!
Thank you for sharing your time to read from me.

Kemi Gwan.

Friday, May 4, 2018

I'M NOT DEPRESSED!


This is a True Story..



You can rehearse or memorize scriptures and be super depressed. Take all the antidepressants you can imagine and it won’t solve a thing. This is my story..
What if I told you that you had the key to free yourself this whole time, but you didn’t even know it. The sad truth is, so many of us have found a way to make depression a normalcy. You can’t cope without it. You say you want to be free but you are afraid of freedom. 🀷🏽‍♀️
Renewal of the mind is like going to the gym to workout when all your muscles are sore.. You still gotta go!



I remember some years ago, when I was depressed. I was battling rejection and my coping mechanism was to isolate myself and push people away unconsciously. I think of all my friends who misunderstood me and some just couldn’t take it and we fell out.(I am truly sorry).
Thing is I was perfect at coverups, I looked good and did things expected of me.
I functioned like a normal human being.
I knew scriptures, read the whole Bible many times and still missed the essence of it.
I’d like to blame the devil, but that would be a lie, because it had more to do with lack of understanding and acceptance of who God says I am. He says I am still His child despite my many mistakes.. I mean how do you reconcile that? God who is Holy and a sinner man like me?? It just didn’t make sense and I punished myself. Made myself into a punishing monster.. how many punishing monsters are in the building?? πŸ™†πŸ½‍♀️πŸ™†πŸ½‍♀️🀣🀣



You know that feeling of never enough, wanting to accomplish something or some height and after you get it, you feel empty.
I wanted so much to complete my degree, because to me, that was what needed to validate me as accomplished because someone made me feel like I was not good enough and my drive only fed those lies, it didn’t fulfill me. What drives you?? 🀷🏽‍♀️
No wonder I became depressed right after graduation. I felt empty. I felt something else was missing.



There are many men and women right now whom I believe that this would help.
You cannot be defined by things, toys, accomplishments or marriage even. If you marry just because you need validation, you will soon find out that that’s not what marriage was designed for. Marriage reveals our true nature and some of us aren’t even ready to face our true selves.
Many men and women around the world look normal but are feeling depressed, numb, abused and rejected. 



I know that there is a way out, but you’ve got to be honest and willing to accept it. God can turn it around for good if you let Him show you who you are and how to work out what the nay-sayers missed. What they missed is that God is infinitely steps ahead. πŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎ.
You just need to do something a bit out of your comfort zone. Take one verse in scripture today and meditate on it. Try it again tomorrow and the next day after that.



I like this one: I often remind myself
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”
‭‭Philippians‬ ‭4:6-7‬ ‭NLT‬‬



Like I tell those close to me, you have the authority(your will) to shut the devil(his job is to make you doubt and question what God says) and bend your mind to align with what God says! 



Today, I am free from depression, I apply the scriptures I know even when I hear a false whisper in my mind. I immediately know that’s not right. I now have a job and I am enjoying my marriage better everyday.
I love my friends all the more and i’m learning to open up like a lotus flower 😊 because that’s what God wants for me! To Bloom, To be Happy! This is one of my numerous testimonies πŸ˜…



Stay Happy 😊

Kemi Gwan

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

THIS LADY AT WORK



There’s this lady at work who's probably the most active and loudest person. She’s always talking and walking around throughout the day. For the past couple of weeks, I had been observing and now almost judging her as a busy body.
Immediately I heard in my heart: Kemi, that is not a fair judgement. The Holy Spirit told me to imagine if I was doing my job so efficiently and someone else starts judging me as a busy body, wouldn’t that hurt you, He quietly asked?
The worst part is, as of today, I realize that there are men constantly walking up and down too, but I regret to say, that as a woman, I am too harsh on my kind. No wonder Hillary didn't win as President of the United States..(Just had to put that out there).
I immediately felt remorseful and repented in my heart. If you judge others as gossip, you will soon reap the same. So, what does your heart immediately do when it sees others?

Women, I say this out of love and respect for us, but we are terribly bad at bad-mouthing each other and tearing each other down with our hearts and then it proceeds to the mouth. I am guilty. Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve been judging a particular person in your heart, and all of a sudden your girlfriend calls you and says; have you noticed that so so and so seems odd lately? I promise you, what is in your heart immediately reveals itself without you knowing it. I all of a sudden have more to say than I had bargained for. And the gossip and mocking begins. This is what God classifies as evil. There are some of us in ministry who pretend to pray, but truly wound up talking about other people’s problems, God frowns at it. Read Psalm 1:1-end.

What’s the point of all this, you say? If you want to be judged fairly, judge fairly in your heart. Everything we do, starts from the heart. If we don’t attack the false conclusions about our spouses or relationships, giving them the benefit of the doubt, like I did that lady, we would fall into a cycle of judgement, dispute and complains.


I can promise you I didn’t know how to give people the benefit of doubt and so no wonder I have experienced people who didn’t give me any. I used to just jump into conclusions but God is working on me indeed! If you are experiencing a bit of harshness around you, maybe, just maybe you have been sowing harshness. If you give people the benefit of doubt, if you choose to trust more, you'll reap it, pressed down, shaken together, running over in abundance.
Keep asking, keep changing, keep on learning! It is a journey of transformation not a theory of living!

Kemi Gwan