Monday, April 30, 2018

SORRY..



There is a distinction in each child’s emotion and their graceful little way of expressing it.
When children are upset, there are some who gravitate towards you, some who feel better after you say sorry, some would avoid you and go to the next safe person and there are those who cry themselves to sleep.
Interestingly these emotional traits develop into adulthood. If no one teaches us how to handle our emotions properly, we end up being poor managers of our emotions. In life, we would always be at the mercy of sorry. You’re either saying it, receiving it or waiting for it forever 😂.

I remember when I was a child, my brother and I were masters of mischief. I don’t quite remember what it was that we’d done to get into my mom’s trouble, but we knew we were in trouble. Time progressed into the night and we were shocked that she didn’t spank us. I mean she served us a delicious meal, the whole nine yards of nice treat. So we thought we’d escaped being spanked.
In the middle of the night, I was visited with multiple strokes of the cane. (If your mom did this, you’re probably African 😂). I was terribly angry that she’d waited until I fell asleep to do something so outrageously smart. 😭🤣

Anyway, the morning came and I wanted to prove how angry I was by avoiding her.
To my utmost shock, my mom called me out during devotion, asked me to kneel and say good morning. That day I learned that no matter how hurt I was, I still had to kneel and say good morning to my parents. I had to learn to forgive without thinking about it..

Maybe my story doesn’t quite paint the picture for you, but to a degree you have to admit that forgiveness is a learned skill. It is not acquired from birth, but a skill that’s to be taught to children and a skill that adults must remember to teach themselves.

What category do you find yourself? Some of us need to hear SORRY to let go of a hurt, but in reality the sorry might never surface because they’re not your parents who hurriedly picked you up to say sorry when you were a child.

If you are married or single, please understand that you might be paired with someone that hasn’t learned the skill of saying sorry. If you wait for a sorry that’ll never come, you will soon start to resent the lover and you become the hater. 

Y’all know I like to be personal in my stories. I personally feel better after one sorry. However, when I got married(my hubby doesn’t know I’m sharing this 😊😊), I realized that he wasn’t the sorry kinda guy until he has evidence that he was truly wrong(a day that might never come right..). Meanwhile, me being a lawyer in my past life would dissect the matter just to hear him say sorry 🤓 because I am a natural sorry-giver. Time and energy wasted.. smh.


Anyhow, I had to consciously teach myself to forgive my husband without hearing the word sorry. This is not to excuse that he has to learn but the fact that I could spend my time developing myself rather than pick point at a standard that isn’t his cup of tea.
I learned a new skill and now it’s easy..

Have you learned the skill of saying sorry or moving on without one?
It is time for you to connect with the child in you.. discover that child.. figure out your emotional habit and then correct it and get better at building a relatable character.

Here are some emotional tantrums we display as adults.. they might remind you of your childhood..

  • Stonewalling:you build a wall around your heart, very impenetrable.
  • Silent treatment: you stop talking on purpose.
  • Malice: you think of hurting them
  • Nagging: you complain rather than discuss the hurt.
  • Lashing out: you burst out in anger saying things you didn’t mean to say
  • Hitting: you get violent
At the end of the day, we are never truly different from children. You are still a child inside who either runs away or toward a hurting situation and who is inclined to a Sorry!

Kemi Gwan.

Friday, April 27, 2018

RELEVANCE OF RECKLESS LOVE




Once upon a time there was a very wealthy man who had two sons. He had a large estate and his sons managed it with him. (Potential Boaz)☺☺

One day, the younger son got reckless in his heart and asked for all of his inheritance.
The kind father didn’t even question him but divided his wealth in half and gave the younger son his supposed “inheritance.” 
The younger son immediately packed up and moved away from his father to a different city.
He lavishly spent his money on women and enjoyed his freedom and wealth inherited from his father. He literally partied day and night and refused to invest. Then all of a sudden, he ran out of money.. Reality hit like a tsunami.

Home boy became so broke that he couldn’t afford to feed himself. Practically turned a beggar. Lol..Hmn hmn. He even became a slave,  just to eat. When pig’s feed start looking like burgers, you know it’s bad.
All of a sudden, a loud bell rang in his head and he remembered that he had a father who had more than enough to spare. He humbled himself, dragged his behind to go and ask for his father’s forgiveness.

As he took heavy steps back towards his father’s mansion, the first person to notice him afar off was his father (not his brother).. His father immediately became reckless by asking all his servants to throw a party for his son. His reckless son had become relevant and he was in fact the matter at hand. 

The older son, his own blood brother’s heart was selfish and he became angry because he thought that his father was being a bit over the top for a reckless son. He really thought he didn’t deserve a banquet. He thought about himself being the faithful and committed but had never had a banquet thrown on his behalf.. so wrong!

Many Christian veterans are like the older son, who misunderstood the topic of relevance in this case. A banquet is even the starting point of reckless love for a lost child. I mean when a banquet is thrown, EVERYONE is relevant. 
You partake in the food, the drinks, the dance, the dessert.. sheesh brother! The banquet was for you too.. How do we say we are out to reach out to our generation but the person right in your face, to whom you’re supposed to be a shining example, you literally not only condemn them in your heart but with your words and your prideful action 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️. You write them off, because they don’t dress like you or look like your family members..
But you see, God sees them from afar and He throws a party to welcome them home! Big Sigh. 

This hit home right here for me because I remember many times in my brokenness when I really needed help and I was in the Church hoping to be helped and accepted, I was cast away. I became an outcast among my own brothers and sisters. I was judged by my status as a single mother. I was branded and some of you have been branded sinners above sinners! Well, I have super great news for you, you are HOME! You can come right HOME! I know because I am that son, you are that son too! No matter how far gone you are, you can take your heavy steps right back to Him.
While some were busy wondering why I deserved a banquet, God had already ordered for the best robes be put on me. 💃💃💃. I am a princess of God and the Queen of His Heart.

I have found that relevance is in-fact very reckless. What do I mean? 
Maybe this write-up is for you if you are fighting everyday to be relevant in what you are committed to do. Don’t be grumpy on your commitment, because that bad attitude is lack of understanding and it could keep you from celebrating. Your attitude to 1 will be your attitude to 99, period. Remember the good shepherd leaves the 99 to chase 1  recklessly out of relevance.

The older son, thought one son was not deserving of a reckless love-coated banquet. But of course he was. When a child is born, we celebrate for only one child right. Even after 4 or 5 children, we still throw a celebration for the 6th and the 7th. Some women are graced! 
It’s the same attitude with our Father in Heaven, when one child is reborn, oh He gets the Angels to throw a party. Serious throw down.

Here’s the challenge to someone who’s busy worried about the crowd they’re supposed to feel relevant to or impact. You know and see yourself up there on a platform, but your attitude on the ground level about ONE victory stinks! You don’t rejoice over ONE milestone! You don’t celebrate it. How do you expect to celebrate when you reach a 1000 milestones?
It’s the same parallel with everything else.. your attitude to Marriage, Ministry, Family, Relationship, Career, Redemption of souls.. think about it! 

When I write like this, my focus is now on ONE person, just one person is enough for me to rejoice, because my attitude towards one, is my attitude to millions! Oh yes, I am not an expert, learning just like you on the job.

Change your attitude! Renew Your Mind Today! Let’s go be greater than yesterday family! Let’s do this! If you want to be relevant, learn from this story! Relevance is borne from Reckless Love and Passion 😉. And when your brother or sister needs help, you better give yourself recklessly like your Father did for you already! We are already RELEVANT!




Listen to this beautiful song by Cory Asbury
Title: Reckless Love



Kemi Gwan.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

FROM ONE INSECURE ME TO ANOTHER





I wish I could tell you that all our insecurities go away as we mature. Ladies, you cannot help the number of stretch marks around your fine areas as you birth children except of course you get surgical help or not 🤷🏽‍♀️..
I wish I could tell you that dyeing your hair darker would stop your gray hairs from forming. So many things I wish I could tell ya. Single folks, I wish I could tell you that sex becomes an everyday meal after marriage. Here’s what I can tell you; choose your battles carefully and wisely as time and age happens to you.

Every man or woman deals with insecurities daily. No matter your height, talent, beauty or wealth, there are thoughts that dance daily around your mind right? Maybe the thoughts that others are better than you or far ahead and then mid-life crisis happens. Wheew! Well, I've got great news for you. You will see that our insecurities/security are usually either words spoken by others or low-key covetousness in the mind that you struggle to keep up with.

Who/what determines beauty? Man
Who/what determines the right size? Man
Who/what determines smart? Man
Who/what determines successful? Man
Who/what determines strength? Man

But who determines unique? You!

When I was much younger, I was an athlete, it was a natural ability and when I ran, I felt my body move with the wind in a way that was special. What made me better and confident was 1. practice and 2. watching my late dad & my mom cheer me so loudly from the sidelines and I would run faster. I was a secure and confident runner until puberty kicked in..
I was a late bloomer, but when I bloomed, I began developing huge “embarrassing” breasts. Mind you, my breasts were a bit moderate but I was too skinny to handle these babies I guess. These babies began to make me feel insecure. The thing I did so effortlessly became a burden that I shied away from it. I still run but on a treadmill nowadays..Lol

I watched my mom struggle to find me bras sometimes. If you’ve seen my mom, to me, she is the Queen of beauty(inward and outward). She became my standard of beauty and I wanted my breast to look like hers. I tried so hard to wear sport bras to keep them from showing. It was that serious. My mom didn’t mean to make me feel bad, but when she said that I got my endowed breasts from my grandmothers, I was furious and I wept on the inside, because all I wanted was her kind of breasts not my grandmothers’.

Fast forward to when the boys showed up..
So, tell me, why do men love boobs? 🙄
The attention that it got me was so weird that I became mean to boys. I’m sure some girls are like, give me your boobs please.. let’s exchange.. 😂😂😂. But really, I was like you don’t love me, you love my breast, boy-bye 💁🏾‍♀️(forgive me all the guys reading). Let's laugh a little..
As much as I’d like to tell you that I’m over it, that'll be dishonest. My husband even likes for me to expose some cleavage, but I’m too stuck and I try. God knows I detox from it and try to feel free and not too conscious.

What are some of your insecurities?
I have a couple more.. like my voice. I seem to be the only one who doesn’t like to hear me sing. But when I started dealing with the source of that and why? I began to embrace my uniqueness.

My point today is that, some of our insecurities come from what our minds have set as standards. The danger in that is, restricting yourself from fulfilling your highest potential in life.(my breast must fulfill their highest potential with my husband)...lol.  Finding the right balance between confidence and insecurity could be a little hard but most of us instead settle for insecurity. 

All my married folks in the house, where you at? 🙌🏾🙌. Thou shalt not judge! I was super insecure about trust when I first got married. I was a “phone toucher.” Super FBI agent 😜. I would snoop and you wouldn’t even know it until I snooped and got myself in trouble and it triggered many insecurities. My husband is so secure it hurts. He definitely has other insecurities but he is secure enough to trust me. He sure doesn’t snoop. I have no choice but to change all my bad habits 😭. Maybe your isn't trust, maybe yours is your teeth..lol. My handsome cousin who came to visit us when we were kids once made fun of my teeth. I instantly became insecure that I refused to smile with my teeth open.

  • If you “snoop” around your spouse’s phone to secretly find out if they’re talking to someone else, you’re insecure. Sorry..deal with it, don’t shoot the messenger.
  • If you randomly criticize for no reason or you subconsciously in your mind wish you had the freedom to do what others do/did, you’re insecure. This one is for us Christians.. We are Ministers of Critical Affairs. lol
  • If you feel the need to talk about yourself and your achievements all the time, you’re insecure.
  • If you feel like you are never heard when you speak, deal with it now, you’re insecure.
  • If you’re timid, you’re insecure.
  • If you’re vindictive, you’re insecure.
  • If you seek to be noticed - there are unhealthy “notice me or I die,” folks, you’re insecure
  • If you're always skeptical and think things are always too good to be true or you expect things to always go wrong, you’re insecure.
  • If you lose weight, not for yourself or your health, but for another, you're insecure. With this weight issue, you will always live on the edge, so find the right balance for you and your partner. Deal with your size and be healthy with it. Genes aren't cheap and can't be bought. It's who you are.
And the list goes on and on..
I could tell you that I am a master, but I would be lying. I could share tips on how I overcome my insecurities and push myself to ground breaking territories in my mind and in action. 
  • Detox, Detox, Detox Your Mind! 
  • Admit your insecurities. 
  • Pray about it. Prayer doesn’t remove your insecurities. It reveals it.
  • Find out your “light bulb” moment. The moment you coveted, the moment you were no longer enough.
  • Be Your own Standard. Be who God says you are. Some of us haven't heard it from Him in a while. This is truly where Kemi Gwan's confidence comes from and of course from a loving family.

I hope these steps that I practice helps someone work out their insecurities to confidence.


Kemi Gwan.

Tuesday, April 24, 2018

MINISTRY OF SELF



Conversations between a husband and wife after the honeymoon phase could sometimes go like this...
Husband: the problem I have with you is selfishness
Wife: I could say the same about you. How could you call me selfish after all I’ve done for you? Ask people okay, I’m very giving and selfless 💁🏾‍♀️..
Husband: Yea right! 
Alright.. maybe yours isn’t that way but mine is super close 😅

So, confession time.. I have a natural instinct to look out for myself. Some would argue that it’s healthy but most times it is out of selfishness, not true love. 
True love is borne out of pain and my affinity for pain used to be quite low. 
After a devastating experience of pain, the capacity to love or hate increases. I chose love which requires forgiveness and it took grace and lots of different stages of healing and mind detox. 

Anyway, for a long time I had told myself that I was selfless and giving. I didn’t realize that there were levels to this.. I was at level 1 and my husband was like a 10 when I married him. So, yea I have a teacher 🙌🏾😆♥️🙌🏾.

Some of us truly cling to the scripture that says love your neighbor as yourself, but the love you have for yourself is quite flawed and selfish though 🤷🏽‍♀️
Selfishness has its levels.. you might never know how selfish you are until you get married 😂😂. Marriage revealed mine and at first I struggled, but I submitted myself eventually to learning(real tough).

Anyway, let’s do a reality check..
  • Helping others from your place of comfort. Anything that is out of your comfort zone irritates you, you are selfish.
  • You don’t like to share your time or space. You are selfish. 
  • You like your things a certain way. You are selfish.
  • Secluding yourself when you have been called. You say it’s privacy but in actual fact it’s selfishness. You can’t drink from others and others can’t drink from you, it’s selfishness
  • You’re unfriendly. To you everyone is bad, you say they’ll stab you in the back but have you thought that if every one that comes your way is bad, you seem to be the constant factor. It may be you and not them. You are 🤔 selfish
  • You always want your will to be done. When other people’s opinions are picked over yours, you throw a tantrum, you seek for yours to be the ultimate one. It is your way or the highway. You are disappointed when it’s not acknowledged. My sister you are selfish.
  • You are not a good listener. You are selfish.
  • You are impatient and irritable. My brother you are selfish.
  • You get angry easily, oh boy! You are selfish.
  • When things don’t go the way you plan it, you blow up to shambles (this is me, perfectionist trait). You are selfish.
  • When you isolate your family in order to protect your own interest. You are selfish. 
I learned that if you refuse to be honest about it, you can’t see the change you desire.
Let me tell you what Christians don’t say often. Just because you go to church doesn’t mean your struggles disappear. 
Folks that are in Church are some of the “sickest” people on earth. If most of us would gladly fall at Jesus’ feet for help before raising our hands in worship, oh! what a Church that would be!

YOU and I could never be unselfish without asking to be filled with the HOLY SPIRIT. You’ll see that yesterday doesn’t cover today and today doesn’t cover tomorrow. If you prophesy from now till eternity and blast in tongues or see visions, it doesn’t remove your selfish nature, you still need to humbly ask for the Holy Spirit’s help and learn the change. Learn from those that are better than you. 

Please share and bless someone today

Kemi Gwan