Monday, November 6, 2017

DEALING WITH THE PAST THAT WON'T GO AWAY



A Yoruba proverb says:
 "Bi a ba diju keni ibi o koja, eni rere a koja a o sini mo (If you close your eyes because an evil person is passing, you may not notice when a good person is passing as your eyes are closed)"

Some of the realities of life are not easily summarized on pen and paper. 
If a hidden camera was placed in my home, and it captured everything that went on, I sometimes wonder what you would think of me. I wonder if you’d think my life was a romantic comedy? or an over-the-top dose of drama? Or perhaps a sad tragedy?
What about your home?

Welcome to the imperfectly broken world where everyone and everything seems to have some form of dysfunction. 
This state of “damage” is one of the things that fuels my drive and passion for improving my universe. 
I may not be able to completely fix my broken world, but I can do something about it.
Is it possible to live happily ever after in a broken system, broken heart, broken family, broken country... etc? 

Are you like me who has dealt with or deals with:
An ex lover, ex husband, child/ren from an ex relationship/marriage? A new blended family?
Perhaps a sibling rivalry that went too far?
Perhaps a broken or even non-existing family unit?

Let me be real here for one quick second and say it is never easy. It can get better if you identify your situation, how it makes you feel, and then systemically deal with it. 
It won’t go away by yelling, crying, feelings of self-pity, depression, complaints, ignoring it...
This is your life, so embrace it and LIVE it. 

My first son is now 8 years old. He is the product of a previous relationship and it is a bitter-sweet-tough past staring me in the face daily. While I have no regrets about having him, the reality of such incidences, challenges your life as a person. Period.

First if you are single, make sure you try to avoid falling into situations like this. 
Situations like getting pregnant before marriage. I can’t stress how easy your life would be. If any guy is interested in test driving and you are too desperate to be test driven, perhaps you are likely to get drunk 😵 while being test driven, please do the needful, just hurry to the registry and do the right thing. 
You both are mature enough to have sex, so just get married right 😂. Don’t we wish it were that simple 🙈
There are folks who do everything right and still end up in a broken marriage. So much for my sermon. Broken world I told you. 
Your situation isn’t unique after all. 

Secondly, if you are already caught up in the single parenting stage... no worries. I once lived it, matter of fact, I have friends who live as single parents and it is not impossible to be a happy camper in this stage of your life. You will have to deal with this. Question is: Are you ready to admit your own mistakes and give the marriage/love journey another try?

Now, there are many out there who claim that all members of the opposite sex are demons.. lol. If you want to be honest, you are not too far away from that equation.. lol. It takes two!

So.. what’s the deal here? Abuse? 

Have you ever felt so numb, though you wanted to be strong and okay, but there are so much residue that keeps nudging you to remember that ordeal? Your memory constantly forcing to re-live the painful past in the dark crevices of your mind.

You question everything. 
You question your purpose.
You even question your existence. 
You are so afraid. 
Afraid that maybe you even hate the child/ren by that abuser or that the abuser will return. 
God forbid you say anything.. after all you are the parent, and you should love your child unconditionally. 

This much I know, anyone can be a total failure, even while in the middle of their own success. If that makes sense. It will take Grace and Courage to first forgive an abuser. 

Above all, you will need to forgive yourself. In fact that forgiveness is a constant renewal. You will agree that emotionally this can be difficult, but it is do-able. 
The mind naturally wants to hold on to the hurt, but you have to fight so hard! 
You know why? There is so much more to life than the hurt you hold on to. 
You will never know until you set yourself free from the hurt and your abuser. 

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."-- Alexander Graham Bell

It will take Grace to heal from that whole feeling of self-unworthiness and self-doubt that abuse imprints on the soul. 

For me, it took Grace to accept a new identity. 
It took Grace to hold my head up while others spoke of my son and I in shameful and derogatory terms (Africans detest single parenting). With the divorce and single-parenting status quo on the rise, you will agree that the society in general, is now a bit more lenient on women in abusive and divorce situations. 

Where You are now is a CHOICE!
And what you do hereon will be a choice to either continue feeling sorry and angry or to truly let go and start fighting for your own happiness!

Take these necessary steps in your wholeness journey; 
  • Forgive yourself.
  • Forgive your past.
  • Forgive the heart breaker.
  • Speak to a counselor or therapist.
  • Be open to Love. 
  • Love yourself first.
  • Love with your head and heart.
  • Surround yourself with folks that love you genuinely. 
  • If you are in a new relationship, be reminded, that no two people are the same. 

So, what’s your story? Do you still think living with your past is impossible? 
And why is that?

K.G